¢el cheapo

el cheapo

a loving tribute to the Portland Trail Blazers' thriftiest era

Total fictional savings this postseason

$0

all figures fictional, like the owner's empathy

A black t-shirt with white and red text reading 'NOT A 2026 PLAYOFF SHIRT' — the shirt the Trail Blazers didn't give out at home playoff games.

"the shirt they didn't give you. available nowhere."

BREAKING: Locker room downgraded to fluorescent bulbs ··· Players asked to share warm-up jerseys ··· Communal Brita pitcher replaces Gatorade ··· Practice court rented out for birthday parties on off days ··· Team plane swapped for Spirit Airlines group booking ··· Towels now single-use, single-square ··· Coaches encouraged to high-five with one hand to reduce wear ··· Gilbert Arenas: NBA benches look like 'Wu-Tang shows' but Blazers can't cover $250 masseuse hotel room ··· BREAKING: Blazers give out towels instead of t-shirts for Game 3 - because terry cloth is cheaper than cotton ··· BREAKING: Locker room downgraded to fluorescent bulbs ··· Players asked to share warm-up jerseys ··· Communal Brita pitcher replaces Gatorade ··· Practice court rented out for birthday parties on off days ··· Team plane swapped for Spirit Airlines group booking ··· Towels now single-use, single-square ··· Coaches encouraged to high-five with one hand to reduce wear ··· Gilbert Arenas: NBA benches look like 'Wu-Tang shows' but Blazers can't cover $250 masseuse hotel room ··· BREAKING: Blazers give out towels instead of t-shirts for Game 3 - because terry cloth is cheaper than cotton ···

meme generator

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INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

FROM: T. Dundon

TO: All staff

RE:

DATE: April 28, 2026

elcheapo.lol - satire

2. Share it on:

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0

days since last embarrassing cost-cutting incident

this counter has never moved

the ledger

real incidents. fictional savings. devastating either way.

fan win

Two-way players reinstated for road travel

April 27, 2026

After three weeks of national coverage, leaked memos, and one playoff series spent watching from home, Caleb Love, Chris Youngblood, and Jayson Kent will now travel with the team. Estimated exposure: one road game. A Game 6 scenario has not been budgeted for.

[Sean Highkin / Rose Garden Report]

Two-way players left in Portland for playoffs

Caleb Love, Chris Youngblood, and Jayson Kent watched the team's first playoff run in five years from home. Love had a career-high 26-point game during the regular season that helped save the Blazers' playoff hopes.

$8,400

fictional

[source]

Support staff forced to early hotel checkout

Team masseuse displaced before play-in game, no room to treat players. Coach Splitter reportedly worried it would affect Deni Avdija's performance.

$1,000,000

real figure

estimated annual, per The Athletic

[source]

Game 3 t-shirt giveaway canceled

Fans arrived at first home playoff game in five years, no shirts. Co-owner promised "something even cooler" instead.

$48,000

fictional

[source]

Game 4 t-shirt giveaway canceled

Lightning doesn't strike twice, but cheapness does.

$48,000

fictional

[source]

Award-winning team photographer left behind

Did not travel to San Antonio for playoff series. Digital reporter also stayed home.

$4,200

fictional

[source]

Coaching search conducted during the playoffs

New names leaked nearly daily as interim coach Tiago Splitter tries to focus on the actual games. League source: "the most vicious thing I've encountered in 30-plus years."

$0

the disrespect is free

[source]

NBA commissioner forced to defend owner

Adam Silver had to publicly address Dundon's cost-cutting on a podcast less than a month into ownership.

$0

commissioner overtime not billable

[source]

Bill Simmons coins "El Cheapo" nickname

Most influential sports media personality of the last 25 years gives the new owner a nickname that appears to be sticking.

-$∞

in earned media, all negative

[source]

Gilbert Arenas weighs in on priorities

Former NBA guard questions cutting masseuse hotel costs ($250-500) while NBA benches look like 'a damn Wu-Tang show' with excess coaches. Warns agents will refuse to let players get drafted by Portland if penny-pinching continues.

$250

one hotel night for one masseuse

[source]

the fan wall

real reactions from r/ripcity. published with attribution. takedown requests honored — email hello@elcheapo.lol.

“their owner has been exposed as a raging prick. Tom Dumbdumb has earned the epithet, and every other vile sentiment you could throw his way”

— Drew Magary, SFGate

[source]
“They're getting used Canes jerseys with the sleeves cut off. Dundon can't afford two logos.”

— u/gordongroans, r/ripcity

[source]
“Most wannabe billionaire ever”

— u/No_Heron7011, r/ripcity

[source]
“He's making enemies of the fanbase and that's not good”

— u/Epitiome_Of_A_Taurus, r/ripcity

[source]
“The fact this clown has become the storyline for us and not the fact we're in the playoffs for the first time in 5 years with an ascending star is awful.”

— u/gotpez, r/ripcity

[source]
“Couldn't wait until his team completed the playoffs to make all these penny pinching decisions.”

— u/PollutionFragrant106, r/ripcity

[source]

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